Another thought

Today I went to see my favorite prof. I have missed her dearly and miss our “counseling sessions” aka vocal lessons. Singing rarely got accomplished in those 30 minutes. It was a quick chat that led to a text to a good friend and a comment he made led to me spending most of the evening thinking about the end of last year. (while taking a bubble bath, reading Sherlock Holmes, and listening to the newest Evanescence album)

In October my daughter had, for the most part, completely lost her mind. She had such horrible anxiety that led to hours and hours of meltdowns. So much so, that by the time she was done and had passed out from exhaustion, I had to go to bed and forgo all homework.

One night, I had lost it as well and texted the aforementioned (look, I used a big word!) friend and told him that I had to drop out of school. End of discussion. He tried in vain to help me think clearly about all of this, but at that point I was just scared and mad and no rational thought was going to occur. I’m sure I was super mean to him that night as well, because, well, he is a young, single, college guy and I am an older single parent and I felt that he had no idea what he was talking about. Hindsight proved that he was right.

Shortly after that texting frenzy, I got online and dropped all my classes and then spent the next two months being mad at the world. I was mad at my ex for leaving us, mad at my parents for suggesting that I move back home (this was years before, it just occurred to me that night that I still didn’t want to be in MN, I wanted to be in California) and mostly, I was mad at God because once again, he had taken away something that I wanted.

To date, I felt like God had ruined:

My chance at the career I wanted by having me get pregnant three months after getting married.

He had taken away my marriage.

He had taken away my chance to live someplace that I loved with people that I loved like family and who had taken me in when I had no where else to go.

Then all of the sudden, he took away college too.

But today, I realized how happy I am. I’m satisfied with my life, even though I am single, though I still don’t and might not ever have a college degree, and I will never be a musician who performs every night.

But what I do have is a sense of self – worth, which I have never ever had before. Two amazing kids that I love more than words can explain.

A job that I love, and I must be good at because I haven’t been fired yet.

Good friends who are only a text message away and who seem to be very tolerant of me when I won’t listen to them.

And now a new dream. A new idea and new opportunities to make it happen. And it is something that elders in my church are excited about, that my boss is excited about, and most importantly, something I am excited about.

One of these days I will learn to trust God whole-heartedly and know that no matter what happens in my life, He is in control and he makes all things work out for my good. Whether or not I see it that way.

And now I have to stop writing, because I am tearing up and I really hate crying.

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