Fear and flatlines

My heart stopped almost exactly a week ago. It stopped for four seconds. Such a short time. 4 seconds is about the length of two measures of a moderately paced 4/4 song. But still. It stopped. They have it in paper at the hospital because I just happened to be wearing a monitor at the time.
And yet, I can’t get over it. I don’t want to sleep. Haven’t slept through the night since I left the hospital.
They have told me at least a dozen times that it was vasal vagal syncope due to the pain I was in. Totally benign. However the next person to use the word benign when discussing this with me will get hurt. It isn’t benign to me.
I got to hear the reaction of a doctor who said that when it comes to hearts, 4 seconds is an eternity.
All of the sudden I have to think about writing a living will. (should probably do it anyway, as I am a divorced, single parent, whose ex should not have custody) but I never would have thought of that before. I’m questioning going to the gym. What if it happens again and I’m at the gym alone?
God keeps telling me that by worrying, I am not trusting Him in this situation. I’m pretty certain that He is right. He obviously wants me alive because my heart restarted on its own. I’m here right now writing this blog and not sleeping instead of in a casket. So I must be here for a reason. But that knowledge hasn’t stopped the fear.
I don’t want to be told to see a therapist. Just ended with one actually. Not even two weeks ago. Don’t want to start again.
I’m hoping at some point, the fear just stops. Does anyone know if that really happens? I have no intention of letting this fear control my life. But right now, I am genuinely scared.


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