Two weeks ago, I died. My heart stopped. (this starts the same as the last post, but I promise you is a totally different blog)
It has taken me a while to accept the fact that I really was dead and when I finally realized it, it hit me hard. BUT…. God had his hand all over that situation. I was alone in the room when my heart stopped. I had sent Ryan to find a nurse because I knew something was seriously wrong. I was also alone when my heart started beating again. When God started my heart again.
For the longest time I have been living in what I refer to as my complacent lala land. I was not actively pursuing God. I wasn’t actively running away from Him either. I just was.
On Sunday, our worship leader (while I was on stage for worship team) (totally an introvert, almost died again from total panic) had the entire church pray for me. And like half the town came and talked to me after that and they all said the same thing. They had never felt God move like that in the church before.
Speaking of worship team, it is HUGE thing for me. Saturday night, when I got to the second hospital, I told my boyfriend that I would be super upset if I had to miss worship team the next week because of my illness. The worship leader at my church texted me two days after I got out of the hospital and said something to the effect of “I’m assuming you won’t be here to sing on Sunday”, and all I sent back was “ummm…..I’m singing.” Not because I NEED to perform and show people that I really can sing well, but because I really want to help(?) people focus on God. This is the one thing that I know I do well for God and he has definitely put me on the team here for a reason.
Shortly after that, while I was driving, the extent of what happened to me really hit. I died. That thought hadn’t crossed my mind before. I could be laying in the ground right now instead of typing this. And then I realized that God brought me back for a reason, because he certainly could have taken me home right then.
This really got me thinking. Why am I here. Cause I really don’t know. I have no idea what God’s calling is for me. I’m hoping after I write this that others will pray about it as well and that I will follow God’s path for me until He gets me there.
Our Saturday night service is called The Journey and that is what tonight’s service was really focused on. Where God is taken us and whether or not we will follow Him on this journey. And God was kicking my butt the. entire. time. And as things were happening in the service, God brought to mind when I was in college and all my focus was on Him.
I knew He had something big for me, but through many bad choices, a bad marriage and divorce and raising two kids alone, I had totally lost site of it. Tonight God kept dredging up things that needed to change and things that he had told me in the past. I know I brought up worship team before as something I am super passionate about, but I don’t feel like that is “it”. Singing at church every couple weeks may be part of what God wants, but I truly feel that there is something else.
The one thing he brought up was Jude 22 and 23
Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.
This verse was given to me my last week of college by the pastor I had been studying under that year. He really felt like God was saying that this was my future. And it was brought up in a conversation in my car and again tonight. (this verse isn’t something that comes to mind often, which is why I am bringing it up. If it was something I thought about daily, I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but it always comes to mind when I am hearing from God about my purpose.)
At other points in my life, people have said similar things to me as well. But I don’t have any idea what it means.
God is moving in my life in such a huge way that I am totally overwhelmed. He has a plan. And I NEED to be following Him in this. I will do whatever it takes to do what He has called me to do in my life. I literally feel like I am starving for God right now. (and I like it)
From what I heard from God tonight, the first big step is to stop swearing. (I am super bad about this, especially at work) and to reign in my temper when it comes to work and my kids. So I need tons of prayer in this regard. Both come up when I am stressed so I’m usually not thinking about my behavior when I am at that point.
So please pray that I can conquer these two issues in my life and that the next step is made very very very obvious to me. If God tells me what he wants me to do the way he did tonight, I’ll get it, BUT without the neon sign or a slap in the head, I’m usually to busy and oblivious to realize that He is talking to me.
I hope that this made sense to everyone reading it. I’m totally a train of thought writer and I am contending with two kids who NEEEEED to tell me something RIGHT NOW and so I’m totally distracted.
Please feel free to share input in the comments on here OR if you know me personally, shoot me a message on facebook. I’m not sure I am ok talking about this face to face cause then I start crying and I REALLY HATE crying. And I’ve cried twice tonight, so I am really past my limit for at least a month or two.