Depression is a bitch. I thought I was through with all of this but here it comes again. Like crazy waves after a storm. I refuse to go on meds again so I have to find something else to deal with this. I’m at the point today where I’m seriously questioning if anyone beside my family would notice if I was gone. I hate this point. I want to start smoking again or jump off a bridge. Thankfully our bridges here are really short and would put me in two feet of gross water. Definitely not fatal. I want to run away and start over. But I’ve done that and it doesn’t work anyway. I’m in the middle of our Wednesday night service which is my favorite part of the week and I don’t even care. I’m barely even hearing the music. And if you’ve been to this service you know that it impossible to miss it. You can hear the music down the street. I wish I knew what brings this on. Is it just satan messing with me? Seems likely.
I just can’t seem to pull out of this gold today and I the fact that I can’t get out of it upsets me even more. Yay for vicious cycles.
I just keep saying over and over that something has to give. It has to. Cause life isn’t meant to be like this.

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