Miscarriage is hell

That is the only way to describe this. On Friday we went in to see our baby only to be told that there was no heartbeat. I haven’t stopped crying since. If for some reason I’ve manage to stop crying, I am totally numb. I’m struggling to just keep breathing.
I’m sure it gets better. I’m sure it does, but right now there is no light at the end of this tunnel.
I can’t fathom going to church on Sunday. I don’t think I can handle hearing another “I’m sorry” or “God has a plan”.
It was my birthday on Tuesday and my son’s birthday today. On my birthday I distracted myself with painting my kitchen but today I couldn’t even get off the couch. The house could have burned down around me and I probably wouldn’t have noticed.
A million times over I will be told that I did nothing wrong, that it was just a genetic defect, that she never would have survived and yet I have and probably will replay everyday of my pregnancy trying to figure out what I did wrong. What I can avoid doing so this doesn’t happen again.


2 thoughts on “Miscarriage is hell

  1. I want to reach out to you,, not because I know how you feel, but because I understand loss and I understand pain.
    I lost my first daughter two weeks after she was born….congenital heart defect. I spent years wondering what I could have done different. The extreme depression goes away, but that little seed of doubt and another of guilt has taken root and some nasty feelings can grow from these. No one helps by saying “god has a plan” or “some good can come from this”. And I don’t want to say something trite here. But I do want to tell you about a thought I had.
    I was talking to someone about my belief system and how I believe that before a soul comes here, they have a plan but how could I reconcile this belief with the fact that babies die and some are never born…..and, as I was speaking, I realized……..What if THAT was their plan all along?” What if Lisa was my first Great Teacher and her short little life and her purpose was to teach me the special love of a child, to show me how precious that love was and how awesome it was to be chosen by a soul from the Other Side to experience such love? What if? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized what this tiny soul had given me. Such a gift…………and along with this thinking came the gift of acceptance, one that was extremely hard for me……
    I’m sorry for your loss. And I do hope that in some way, your own belief system will bring some comfort to you.

    • Thank you for posting this. Now that I’m able to function normally I’m wanting to respond. Do I believe God took my baby from me? No. But I believed he allowed it. I don’t know why yet, but He does have a plan and he makes all things work for the good of those who believe. Who knows how he is going to use this experience. This doesn’t mean that I am not totally devastated by this but I am trusting that he knows what he is doing.

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