Today a friend sent me a message about a song and it reminded me that I have a bunch of podcasts I haven’t listened to.
So I pulled up the first one on the list, which was, “walking, leaping and praising God” by Kris Vallotton.
In it he was discussing physical healing and how it can be hindered by emotional and spiritual issues that have not been healed.
It peaked my interest because I am still in pain after my surgery and my miscarriage started chipping away at these awesome emotionless walls I have put up in my life. Walls that I had forgotten were even there.
It didn’t take me more than a second to come up with a list of things in my life that I hadn’t dealt with and people I needed to forgive. I’m very skilled at stuffing everything and not dealing with it. I prided myself on the fact that I went four years without crying. I just refused to let it happen.
So today I started at what I feel, and most people would agree is the root of most of my issues. And that is my biological father abandoning me.
More or less he found out that my mom was pregnant and left.
Now, I was raised pretty much from birth by my stepdad, but that didn’t fix anything. And is a whole other long story. And another chapter to my healing.
After church I went to my quiet hideaway and wrote a letter to my bio-dad. I just poured out everything I wanted to say to him. Everything I felt, how I blamed him for a lot of stupid decisions I had made in my life and how I harbor so much anger toward him because he couldn’t love me even though he loved and raised his other children.
I didn’t think I had a lot to say to him, but 6 or 7 pages later I finally finished. I sat in my car crying and prayed. Told God that I forgive him and that I’m giving that hole in my heart back to God to fill.
I’m closing the book on that chapter in my life. No longer will I let a man who has only met me once have that hold on me.
I will no longer let that hurt consume me. Especially since my anger was only hurting me and not the person it was directed at!
I am a child of God and that is all that matters in regard to this part of my life.
While I don’t know if taking these steps will heal me physically, I hope that emotionally and spiritually I find myself in a much better place.
I have so much more processing to do before I get anywhere near the end of this and I’m taking it slowly as I’m terrified of what 31 years of stuffed issues could result in if I go too fast.
I pray that through my process you find inspiration and hope. Next time there will be bible verses included that I have been digging up to help me through this. God is bigger, but unless you let go of the things that are holding you back, you can’t move on.
Let go and let God