Today a friend sent me a message about a song and it reminded me that I have a bunch of podcasts I haven’t listened to.
So I pulled up the first one on the list, which was, “walking, leaping and praising God” by Kris Vallotton.
In it he was discussing physical healing and how it can be hindered by emotional and spiritual issues that have not been healed.
It peaked my interest because I am still in pain after my surgery and my miscarriage started chipping away at these awesome emotionless walls I have put up in my life. Walls that I had forgotten were even there.
It didn’t take me more than a second to come up with a list of things in my life that I hadn’t dealt with and people I needed to forgive. I’m very skilled at stuffing everything and not dealing with it. I prided myself on the fact that I went four years without crying. I just refused to let it happen.
So today I started at what I feel, and most people would agree is the root of most of my issues. And that is my biological father abandoning me.
More or less he found out that my mom was pregnant and left.
Now, I was raised pretty much from birth by my stepdad, but that didn’t fix anything. And is a whole other long story. And another chapter to my healing.
After church I went to my quiet hideaway and wrote a letter to my bio-dad. I just poured out everything I wanted to say to him. Everything I felt, how I blamed him for a lot of stupid decisions I had made in my life and how I harbor so much anger toward him because he couldn’t love me even though he loved and raised his other children.
I didn’t think I had a lot to say to him, but 6 or 7 pages later I finally finished. I sat in my car crying and prayed. Told God that I forgive him and that I’m giving that hole in my heart back to God to fill.
I’m closing the book on that chapter in my life. No longer will I let a man who has only met me once have that hold on me.
I will no longer let that hurt consume me. Especially since my anger was only hurting me and not the person it was directed at!
I am a child of God and that is all that matters in regard to this part of my life.
While I don’t know if taking these steps will heal me physically, I hope that emotionally and spiritually I find myself in a much better place.
I have so much more processing to do before I get anywhere near the end of this and I’m taking it slowly as I’m terrified of what 31 years of stuffed issues could result in if I go too fast.
I pray that through my process you find inspiration and hope. Next time there will be bible verses included that I have been digging up to help me through this. God is bigger, but unless you let go of the things that are holding you back, you can’t move on.
Before I start writing my thoughts about Ephesians 4, I want you to meet a new friend:
This little guy thought it would be ok to nap in my basement. I’m thanking God that he was sleeping when I found him because that was way easier than trying to catch him while he was flying.
Anyways. Ephesians 4. Where to start. I’m probably going to spend a week just in this book .
Verse 7: Christ has given each one of us our own gift.
Do you know what yours is?
Verse 11-13 he filled the earth with gifts for each one of us in the body so that we can work easily with each other, efficiently and gracefully.
*note… I’m paraphrasing a lot. Get a Bible and read it!
We are supposed to be working together as a team, moving as God moves us, doing what He tells us. Not fighting or worrying about who is doing what or how you can do it better.
Know what your gift is? Great! Do it to the best of your ability, but don’t let it get to your head.
I’m a singer. I know there is a fine line between doing my best and being prideful. It is a hard line to walk because when you sing well and people are moved by the Spirit, what do they do? They come to you and tell you how good you were. Sometimes they say the Spirit really moved them while I was singing, but usually just compliments. I’m sure it is the same for pastors, teachers etc. God gave us these gifts. We could not do them on our own nor should we take the credit.
Don’t know what your gift is? Ask people! Others see your gifts SO much more clearly.
Pray about it. God knows what He have you too and I’m sure He wants to reveal it to you. Don’t be afraid to ask.
I hope that what I’m writing is speaking to your hearts. And that it makes sense. I just feel this urge to share as I’m learning. Because I’m excited about what I’m learning!
I love to hear your comments and thoughts on what I’m writing. I love conversing about God.
I think I need to read Galatians again even though I just finished it. Paul has so much to say!!!
You could practically pick one verse a day to meditate on and you’d be good for a couple months.
That but the way is something I need to work on. I’m sure a lot of others do too. Meditating on His word. How often do you take a verse from the Bible and spend time thinking about it, praying it over your life, posting it all over as a constant reminder?
Some references on what I’m talking about:
Joshua 1:8 >>
And don’t for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you’ll get where you’re going; then you’ll succeed.
Psalms 119:55 >>
I meditate on your name all night, GOD, treasuring your revelation, O GOD.
Meditate: to engage in contemplation or reflection, to focus one’s thoughts on: reflect or ponder over. to plan or project in the mind
Not saying you need to sit in some yoga pose and chant (used to think that when I was younger). But to seriously take a verse or a couple of verses and pray over them, ask God to open your eyes and heart as to how to apply it to your life, asking Him to provide revelation, maybe even take a day where your whole goal is to live out that verse.
I don’t do this at all but I’m looking forward to trying!
How much better would we be as Christians if we always had God’s word at the forefront of our mind?
God’s word is the living word. The words on those pages are not just flat and dead, but active and applicable to our lives.
Take a verse tomorrow, write it down, carry it with you. Find a picture with the verse on it online and use it as the background on your cell phone, cause if you are like me, you will see it a million times each day that way.
Ponder this verse, pray for God to reveal himself in it, and reveal more to you than what it says on the surface, pray that He will make he verse applicable to you and your situations that day. Memorize it. Maybe you will have to spend more than one day on that verse. Some verses are more pertinent to us, and more impactful and therefore require more time.
Be accepting of the fact that sometimes, it could reveal things about you that you don’t want to deal with. Been there done that. But that being said, deal with these things no matter how much it sucks. God wouldn’t have brought them to life unless they needed to be taken care of! And He created you, so ask Him for help with whatever He brings to light.
I have my verse all picked out for tomorrow. Be looking for another blog tomorrow or Friday to hear about my experience. I would love to hear about what you guys picked and how it went for you as well!