Child of God. Working toward healing.

Today a friend sent me a message about a song and it reminded me that I have a bunch of podcasts I haven’t listened to.
So I pulled up the first one on the list, which was, “walking, leaping and praising God” by Kris Vallotton.
In it he was discussing physical healing and how it can be hindered by emotional and spiritual issues that have not been healed.
It peaked my interest because I am still in pain after my surgery and my miscarriage started chipping away at these awesome emotionless walls I have put up in my life. Walls that I had forgotten were even there.
It didn’t take me more than a second to come up with a list of things in my life that I hadn’t dealt with and people I needed to forgive. I’m very skilled at stuffing everything and not dealing with it. I prided myself on the fact that I went four years without crying. I just refused to let it happen.

So today I started at what I feel, and most people would agree is the root of most of my issues. And that is my biological father abandoning me.
More or less he found out that my mom was pregnant and left.

Now, I was raised pretty much from birth by my stepdad, but that didn’t fix anything. And is a whole other long story. And another chapter to my healing.

After church I went to my quiet hideaway and wrote a letter to my bio-dad. I just poured out everything I wanted to say to him. Everything I felt, how I blamed him for a lot of stupid decisions I had made in my life and how I harbor so much anger toward him because he couldn’t love me even though he loved and raised his other children.
I didn’t think I had a lot to say to him, but 6 or 7 pages later I finally finished. I sat in my car crying and prayed. Told God that I forgive him and that I’m giving that hole in my heart back to God to fill.
I’m closing the book on that chapter in my life. No longer will I let a man who has only met me once have that hold on me.
I will no longer let that hurt consume me. Especially since my anger was only hurting me and not the person it was directed at!

I am a child of God and that is all that matters in regard to this part of my life.

While I don’t know if taking these steps will heal me physically, I hope that emotionally and spiritually I find myself in a much better place.
I have so much more processing to do before I get anywhere near the end of this and I’m taking it slowly as I’m terrified of what 31 years of stuffed issues could result in if I go too fast.

I pray that through my process you find inspiration and hope. Next time there will be bible verses included that I have been digging up to help me through this. God is bigger, but unless you let go of the things that are holding you back, you can’t move on.

Let go and let God


Ephesians 4

Before I start writing my thoughts about Ephesians 4, I want you to meet a new friend:


This little guy thought it would be ok to nap in my basement. I’m thanking God that he was sleeping when I found him because that was way easier than trying to catch him while he was flying.

Anyways. Ephesians 4. Where to start. I’m probably going to spend a week just in this book .
Verse 7: Christ has given each one of us our own gift.
Do you know what yours is?
Verse 11-13 he filled the earth with gifts for each one of us in the body so that we can work easily with each other, efficiently and gracefully.
*note… I’m paraphrasing a lot. Get a Bible and read it!
We are supposed to be working together as a team, moving as God moves us, doing what He tells us. Not fighting or worrying about who is doing what or how you can do it better.
Know what your gift is? Great! Do it to the best of your ability, but don’t let it get to your head.
I’m a singer. I know there is a fine line between doing my best and being prideful. It is a hard line to walk because when you sing well and people are moved by the Spirit, what do they do? They come to you and tell you how good you were. Sometimes they say the Spirit really moved them while I was singing, but usually just compliments. I’m sure it is the same for pastors, teachers etc. God gave us these gifts. We could not do them on our own nor should we take the credit.

Don’t know what your gift is? Ask people! Others see your gifts SO much more clearly.
Pray about it. God knows what He have you too and I’m sure He wants to reveal it to you. Don’t be afraid to ask.

I hope that what I’m writing is speaking to your hearts. And that it makes sense. I just feel this urge to share as I’m learning. Because I’m excited about what I’m learning!
I love to hear your comments and thoughts on what I’m writing. I love conversing about God.

Hope, passion, joy

Those three things I have not felt in a long time. I feel like I may be finally, finally coming out of the desert. My divorce 6ish years ago, lead me quickly down a path so far away from my relationship with God that I never thought I would find a way back.
I missed my relationship with Him, but struggling with depression, less than intelligent life choices, and a crazy illness, plus a million little “bad” things made me believe that He didn’t really care and wasn’t listening.
Which sucks because I know better.
It seems like one horrible thing brought me to this place and another horrible thing seems to be the thing that is bringing me out.
One conversation reminded me of the passion I used to feel. Reminded me of why I was put here on earth. Reminded me of promises prophecied over me. Prophecies that I believe wholeheartedly will happen.
The song, “You Make Me Brave” by Amanda Cook and Bethel Music has been speaking so powerfully to me this week. I swear that song was written just for me.
It is the only thing that has made me smile, laugh, be excited about God and what he is doing in a long long time. I can barely contain my joy while singing that song to God.
Some of the lyrics:

You make me brave, you make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave, you make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you gave

As your love, wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
You are for us, you are not against us
Champion of heaven you made a way
For all to enter in

I feel like God is calling me to a new place in my life, a place where I have to be brave because I don’t like being pushed outside my comfort zone. But it needs to happen for Him to make me who He has created me to be, to fulfill the desires he has birthed in me.
I’m now starting to looking into the future with hope and expectation.

Sacrifice of praise

Such and interesting concept and topic that I am so looking forward to delving deeper into.
Tonight I got to talk to a new friend and vent about my miscarriage and just talk in general. I got to talking about how at church had I tried to sing I would have been sobbing hysterically but I can sing worship sings at home and I’m fine. But, I said, I don’t think I really mean them right now. I’m singing them just to sing even though I’m mad and hurt. And she mentioned the sacrifice of praise.
Praising God when the circumstances don’t warrant it. Praising Him when you think He has totally lost it. When you are so hurt by life that you can
hardly breathe. When you feel abandoned, in a dry time, alone, confused, angry… You name it. When you feel like anything but praising God.
Hebrews 13:15 says,
15Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name. 16And do not neglect doing good and sharing, for with such sacrifices God is pleased

I’ve read several commentaries on this and I’m looking forward to learning more. We are to continually praise God. I intentionally play worship songs and sing to them at home. Not because I want to. But He is still my God. Still on my side.
And worshipping without feeling “worshippy” isn’t hypocritical like I thought it was. I’m sacrificing my feelings, my emotions, my pain by worshipping when I don’t feel like it. I’m sacrificing my time. I’m giving it back to Him to take care of.
It is hypocritical if you don’t believe and do it as a show, but when you believe and do it even when you don’t want to, it becomes a sacrifice.
Which makes me feel better about how I felt in church on Sunday. Cause I would have rather died than gone and it was torture to sit there. Church is usually my refuge but since the miscarriage it has no longer been a comfort but a constant reminder of what I have lost.
I’m going to keep going and I’ve been assured that this does get easier.
All of this will now make leading worship a very different experience as well. How many times have I been up front while someone struggled through the service as I am now doing. I pray that God opens my eyes to those situations. To those hearts so if onto thing else I can pray for them. Or even better, leave behind my introverted self and talk to them. (I’m not super sure that talking is better than prayer, but it is cathartic. I suppose I can pray with them as well if I talk to them.)
So the next time you don’t want to/feel like worshipping, remember that it is your sacrifice to God when you praise him through the storm.


Tolerance and respect

It has been forever since I posted, but I’m not the type to post without some thing to say. And today I have something to say.
Before I begin, please read what I say. All of it. Don’t assume what I will say after reading the next few sentences. You don’t know me. Give me a chance to talk about how I think without putting me in a blanket category. Then, if you choose to comment, be polite, respectful and calm. I’ve seen way too many people get way to worked up over this. I’m not picking a fight. I’m having an opinion. Which I am allowed to have and have and will have with the utmost respect to those who don’t share it.

Here goes.

Gay marriage legislation was passed in Minnesota today.
I’m a Christian. (This is why I asked you to read all that I have to say first)
I believe that gay marriage is wrong. My gay friends know that I feel that way. Yet, they have no problems with me. And we exist just fine together. I’m respectful of their beliefs and they are respectful of mine.
But why is it that this scenario is so rare? Why do I as a Christian HAVE to respect what everyone else believes when everyone else feels the need to freak out when I talk about what I believe?
I’m not a faultless person. I’m lucky if I make it 5 minutes without sinning some days. So I feel that I have no place in judging anyone else.
But I’m shunned for having an opinion. When I posted on Facebook today that I was disappointed in Minnesota’s choice, I actually had to put a disclaimer in there reminding people that I haven’t judged them for who they are and that attacking me would not be tolerated.
I haven’t bothered to see how many friends I have lost over having an opinion. I’m hoping they are bigger than that.
I watched a pastor get more or less verbally assaulted because he mentioned that he could now be arrested for hate crimes because he won’t marry a gay couple. (This has actually happened).
Why should a church be forced to do something against what they teach?

I’m just so frustrated by all of this (the lack of mutual respect, that is) and it has been weighing on my mind for a while so I felt it was time to bring it up.
Maybe someone out there has some good insights.


Ok…I have been selling on Tophatter for a while now and i have noticed there are tons and tons and tons of people who believe that certain crystals/rocks etc. can heal them. And i don’t get this at all.

Can’t deny. I am  a Christian. I believe God can heal me. I also believe that he provides other ways to be healed.

The thing that I have noticed is that in most of the listings regarding these crystals, they almost all say the same thing. That that particular stone will ground you, will align you chakras, what have you.

I am not trying to judge, just trying to understand why people put so much faith in a mineral formation.

I truly do want people to respond to this with actual answers. I like to learn and this is just something that I don’t get. At this point I have to assume that it is more of a placebo effect. That a person believes that a certain stone can heal them, so when they wear it, they feel better.