Child of God. Working toward healing.

Today a friend sent me a message about a song and it reminded me that I have a bunch of podcasts I haven’t listened to.
So I pulled up the first one on the list, which was, “walking, leaping and praising God” by Kris Vallotton.
In it he was discussing physical healing and how it can be hindered by emotional and spiritual issues that have not been healed.
It peaked my interest because I am still in pain after my surgery and my miscarriage started chipping away at these awesome emotionless walls I have put up in my life. Walls that I had forgotten were even there.
It didn’t take me more than a second to come up with a list of things in my life that I hadn’t dealt with and people I needed to forgive. I’m very skilled at stuffing everything and not dealing with it. I prided myself on the fact that I went four years without crying. I just refused to let it happen.

So today I started at what I feel, and most people would agree is the root of most of my issues. And that is my biological father abandoning me.
More or less he found out that my mom was pregnant and left.

Now, I was raised pretty much from birth by my stepdad, but that didn’t fix anything. And is a whole other long story. And another chapter to my healing.

After church I went to my quiet hideaway and wrote a letter to my bio-dad. I just poured out everything I wanted to say to him. Everything I felt, how I blamed him for a lot of stupid decisions I had made in my life and how I harbor so much anger toward him because he couldn’t love me even though he loved and raised his other children.
I didn’t think I had a lot to say to him, but 6 or 7 pages later I finally finished. I sat in my car crying and prayed. Told God that I forgive him and that I’m giving that hole in my heart back to God to fill.
I’m closing the book on that chapter in my life. No longer will I let a man who has only met me once have that hold on me.
I will no longer let that hurt consume me. Especially since my anger was only hurting me and not the person it was directed at!

I am a child of God and that is all that matters in regard to this part of my life.

While I don’t know if taking these steps will heal me physically, I hope that emotionally and spiritually I find myself in a much better place.
I have so much more processing to do before I get anywhere near the end of this and I’m taking it slowly as I’m terrified of what 31 years of stuffed issues could result in if I go too fast.

I pray that through my process you find inspiration and hope. Next time there will be bible verses included that I have been digging up to help me through this. God is bigger, but unless you let go of the things that are holding you back, you can’t move on.

Let go and let God

Hope, passion, joy

Those three things I have not felt in a long time. I feel like I may be finally, finally coming out of the desert. My divorce 6ish years ago, lead me quickly down a path so far away from my relationship with God that I never thought I would find a way back.
I missed my relationship with Him, but struggling with depression, less than intelligent life choices, and a crazy illness, plus a million little “bad” things made me believe that He didn’t really care and wasn’t listening.
Which sucks because I know better.
It seems like one horrible thing brought me to this place and another horrible thing seems to be the thing that is bringing me out.
One conversation reminded me of the passion I used to feel. Reminded me of why I was put here on earth. Reminded me of promises prophecied over me. Prophecies that I believe wholeheartedly will happen.
The song, “You Make Me Brave” by Amanda Cook and Bethel Music has been speaking so powerfully to me this week. I swear that song was written just for me.
It is the only thing that has made me smile, laugh, be excited about God and what he is doing in a long long time. I can barely contain my joy while singing that song to God.
Some of the lyrics:

You make me brave, you make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave, you make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you gave

As your love, wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
You are for us, you are not against us
Champion of heaven you made a way
For all to enter in

I feel like God is calling me to a new place in my life, a place where I have to be brave because I don’t like being pushed outside my comfort zone. But it needs to happen for Him to make me who He has created me to be, to fulfill the desires he has birthed in me.
I’m now starting to looking into the future with hope and expectation.

180 degrees

Two weeks ago, I died. My heart stopped. (this starts the same as the last post, but I promise you is a totally different blog)

It has taken me a while to accept the fact that I really was dead and when I finally realized it, it hit me hard. BUT…. God had his hand all over that situation. I was alone in the room when my heart stopped. I had sent Ryan to find a nurse because I knew something was seriously wrong. I was also alone when my heart started beating again. When God started my heart again.
For the longest time I have been living in what I refer to as my complacent lala land. I was not actively pursuing God. I wasn’t actively running away from Him either. I just was.
On Sunday, our worship leader (while I was on stage for worship team) (totally an introvert, almost died again from total panic) had the entire church pray for me. And like half the town came and talked to me after that and they all said the same thing. They had never felt God move like that in the church before.

Speaking of worship team, it is  HUGE thing for me. Saturday night, when I got to the second hospital, I told my boyfriend that I would be super upset if I had to miss worship team the next week because of my illness. The worship leader at my church texted me two days after I got out of the hospital and said something to the effect of “I’m assuming you won’t be here to sing on Sunday”, and all I sent back was “ummm…..I’m singing.”  Not because I NEED to perform and show people that I really can sing well, but because I really want to help(?) people focus on God. This is the one thing that I know I do well for God and he has definitely put me on the team here for a reason.

Shortly after that, while I was driving, the extent of what happened to me really hit. I died. That thought hadn’t crossed my mind before. I could be laying in the ground right now instead of typing this. And then I realized that God brought me back for a reason, because he certainly could have taken me home right then.
This really got me thinking. Why am I here. Cause I really don’t know. I have no idea what God’s calling is for me. I’m hoping after I write this that others will pray about it as well and that I will follow God’s path for me until He gets me there.
Our Saturday night service is called The Journey and that is what tonight’s service was really focused on. Where God is taken us and whether or not we will follow Him on this journey. And God was kicking my butt the. entire. time. And as things were happening in the service, God brought to mind when I was in college and all my focus was on Him.
I knew He had something big for me, but through many bad choices, a bad marriage and divorce and raising two kids alone, I had totally lost site of it. Tonight God kept dredging up things that needed to change and things that he had told me in the past. I know I brought up worship team before as something I am super passionate about, but I don’t feel like that is “it”. Singing at church every couple weeks may be part of what God wants, but I truly feel that there is something else.

The one thing he brought up was Jude 22 and 23

Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

This verse was given to me my last week of college by the pastor I had been studying under that year. He really felt like God was saying that this was my future. And it was brought up in a conversation in my car and again tonight. (this verse isn’t something that comes to mind often, which is why I am bringing it up. If it was something I thought about daily, I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but it always comes to mind when I am hearing from God about my purpose.)

At other points in my life, people have said similar things to me as well. But I don’t have any idea what it means.

God is moving in my life in such a huge way that I am totally overwhelmed. He has a plan. And I NEED to be following Him in this. I will do whatever it takes to do what He has called me to do in my life. I literally feel like I am starving for God right now. (and I like it)

From what I heard from God tonight, the first big step is to stop swearing. (I am super bad about this, especially at work) and to reign in my temper when it comes to work and my kids. So I need tons of prayer in this regard. Both come up when I am stressed so I’m usually not thinking about my behavior when I am at that point.

So please pray that I can conquer these two issues in my life and that the next step is made very very very obvious to me. If God tells me what he wants me to do the way he did tonight, I’ll get it, BUT without the neon sign or a slap in the head, I’m usually to busy and oblivious to realize that He is talking to me.

I hope that this made sense to everyone reading it. I’m totally a train of thought writer and I am contending with two kids who NEEEEED to tell me something RIGHT NOW and so I’m totally distracted.

Please feel free to share input in the comments on here OR if you know me personally, shoot me a message on facebook. I’m not sure I am ok talking about this face to face cause then I start crying and I REALLY HATE crying. And I’ve cried twice tonight, so I am really past my limit for at least a month or two.